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CHRIS MUKAI
Like the red tide or surf contest, this month's
snake of the month is never a welcome site at Porto,
but after a while you learn to deal with it or work
around it. Fact: Chris Mukai is the laziest guy
in the world. He is as slow as molasses and no one
would ever confuse him with a Ph.D. When he steps
off of dry land MUKE rips. Plain and simple the
sucker can nose ride, take off fins first, smack
the lip, get pitted-all the tricks that make a good
longboarder look so cool and stylish to watch. As
if it that weren't enough, he shows some cojones
at the breakwall in the winter and can hold his
own on a short board anywhere.
When you see him pull up with his girlfriend of
the month in that beat up piece of crap he drives,
a few thoughts go through your head. Resembling
an old Japanese Gardner pulling into the Porto lot
to do some landscaping (any of you young enough
to remember when most gardeners were Japanese, and
not golfers living up in PV?) You hope he will hang
out in the lot long enough to practice his fake
pidgin or maybe play with his dogs while he fixes
what ever "project" has broken in his
jalopy. The longer he stays out of the water, the
more waves everyone will get and the happier everyone
will be.
When he does make his way out to the line up, it's
always from a weird 90 degree angle, never straight
out, but kind of a ninja stealth deal. Its as if
he knows he's gonna piss everyone off so he just
kind drifts into the peak with the same routine
most indigenous snakes use. "Hey, wass goin
on bra, howz it?" "Where you been/ how
you been/" "You seen so and so?"
"You still seein Denise?" After a minute
or two of this banal shit the games begin. With
that stupid, hee hee hee laugh and an effortless
paddle he's in front of you. Your forced to watch
him from behind cause its pretty, but you vow to
hold your ground when he makes it back out. As he
slides back into place to tell you his wave was
"so guuud" you just nod like, "yeah,
I'm happy for you". BAM! He's off again stroking
that ugly long board of his towards some unseen
ripple. He saw it before everyone else and he got
a set wave. After a while you just want him to go
somewhere else so you resort to trying to burn him.
It doesn't work. He will be on your ass so bad,
laughing and yaking that you'll think about pulling
out for the bastard.
The good news is this; lazy guys like Chris have
to find the opportunity to get wet. When they run
out of gas money or food and have to hustle some
dough, it's usually 3-5 foot, clean and glassy.
We have a decent round of South Swell as I write
this, any of you have a lawn that needs mowing?
Hee Hee Hee Hee Hee...
Animation by Mike Durand written by Steve Hershenson
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