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DAN "SNAKEMAN" STOLLER
This months snake of the month is unique in the
fact he doesn't hail from Southern CA, in fact he
was raised about as far away from the water as you
can get-Nebraska, where watching corn grow is a
popular pastime. Although Dan enjoys surfing Porto
as much as anyone he is relegated to weekends so
that he can tend to his Monday thru Friday 8-5 job.
As anyone who has been burned by Dan will attest,
he seems to make up for his limited time in the
water by riding boards that could carry Elian, his
mother, father and 10 of his uncles from Havana
to Miami, one of his larger craft even has a Coast
Guard CF number on the hull, I mean rail.
Dan recently started riding a short board; it's
a 7' 11 fun gun... Dan also feels that since he
surfs mainly on the weekends he can make up for
his lost water time by taking any and every wave
that suits his fancy. When admonished with "I
got it" by someone who actually has position
Dan will mutter in his monotone redneck voice something
like "wadda ya got, you got Dan in fronna ya"
He is not only a snake of the worst magnitude, he
is a king snake. While Dan is in the lot waiting
for the tide to come up (so he can launch his boat
safely) he can usually be found sitting smugly on
the tailgate of his badass redneck truck, chewing
a big ol' wad of gum and listening to some hillbilly
music or the Nebraska game.
Those who do not know Dan mistake his air of discontentment
and his tough guy attitude as part and parcel of
the snakeman routine. The little known truth is
that Dan's attitude actually stems from the fact
that he is losing his hearing and doctors have warned
him that if he continues surfing in the reckless
manner he does, he may risk going completely deaf.
You might be asking yourself, deaf? surfers ear?
A result of swimming in the fabled polluted waters
of the South Bay? Poorly fitted earplugs??? No my
friends, nothing as complicated as that, you see
Dan's hearing loss can be attributed to years and
years of weekends spent surfing with people close
enough to touch him, yelling in your ear at deafening
decibels. The volume of the yelling is so loud you
can hear it from the parking lot. The yelling varies
from Get the fuck outta the way, or hey, hey HEY,
or PULL OUT YOU A-HOLE!!!!!
Regardless, the constant assault on his eardrums
has taken a terrible toll on Dan's hearing. This
must be the reason why when he is in front of someone
on a wave he NEVER seems to hear the person behind
and therefore NEVER pulls out, some kind of vicious
cycle I guess... The truth is Dan is a solid guy
once you get to know him as well as being a generous
host and one hell of a chef; just ask anyone who's
been at the Porto Christmas Party or one of his
super bowl games. His wife's a super lady as well.
Like a lot of B.S at Porto, its never gonna change
so you just deal with it. Hey Dan, you shoulda seen
it Monday!!! (Or Tuesday or Wednesday or...)
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